We Got Letters

We Got Letters –

Stacks and Stacks of Letters

THE VIEW FROM ARGYLE HEIGHTS by Homeowner Harry (Another in a series of observations about life in West Midwood as it is lived today…or maybe not)

At the end of my piece for the Summer issue of the Newsletter on the writers of West Midwood (“Reading & Writing & Even Some Arithmetic”), I urged anyone who I had unintentionally excluded to write me – bur reiterated that my criterion was a published book listed on Amazon. What follows are the missives I have received via e-mail or postings on http://argyleheights.blogspot.com. In order to encourage a free exchange, I have protected the identity of those who wished to maintain their anonymity,which was almost everybody. Since thedates didn’t matter, I deleted them for readability.

Subject: Newsletter
Sir, I read your piece with some interest in as much as I also have a book that was published which you somehow managed to miss. In it I present a reasoned approach to our economic difficulties and attempt to engage our more fiscally conservative neighbors in a constructive dialogue. It is called Mr.T’s Party: Eat Death & Die! Thank you in advance for your consideration and the $49.99 you will undoubtedly want to remit for the electronic copy of my book I have attached. Yours, Xxcvbrty

Re: Newsletter
Dear Xxcvbrty, I checked on Amazon.com and your self-published book was not listed. Which is the same reason I couldn’t include my own book, Flying Saucers and Credit Default Swaps: The Alien Plot to Buy Our Debt, which has sadly still not found a publisher. By the way, I started to read your book and was somewhat mystified by your insistence that Mr. T of the “A-Team” inspired the movement. In fact, it is spelled “Tea”Party, not “T Party”. Otherwise,I found your theory that the “A-Team” TV series somehow caused our economic crisis somewhat difficult to follow, particularly the part about Mr. T’s haircut.

Re: Newsletter
You can eat death & die too!

The next response I received was from a neighbor who had ordered one of the books discussed in the article but had yet to receive it:

Subject: Where’s My Book?
Look, I’m a patient person. But it’s been a month and I’ve yet to receive Flying Saucers and Credit Default Swaps: The Alien Plot to Buy Our Debt so I think you owe me a refund. Just stuff it in my mailbox – not my e-mail mailbox but my real Mailbox… Er, you know what I mean. By the way are you related to that Irish writer, Anne Enright? She looks a little like you.

Well, after a little back-and-forth, I managed to straighten this neighbor out who had somehow ordered my unpublished manuscript from Amazon, which now has a new shopping category that can be found at www.amazon.com/Upcoming-Books-That-Might-Get-Published-If-the-Writer-Finishes-It-&-Finds-A-Publisher.htm Amazon calls this section “Book Futures”. Interesting. And by the way, Anne Enright, author of the fabulously successful novel, The Gathering, is from Dublin, whereas my parents were from Kerry and Limerick. But that didn’t stop me from mailing her a request for money, claiming to be a long-lost desperate relative. I did the same thing with the Arizona Diamondbacks rookie pitcher, Barry Enright, figuring he’d be earning millions in no time, being a major league pitcher and all. But these gambits sort of back-fired. Anne Enright invested her royalties in credit default swaps on book futures just before the market tanked and Barry Enright was sent down to the minor leagues in May after letting up five thousand runs in two games. Now they’re both asking me for money on account of my blog being so successful and all. Man.

Subject: You Need Drugs!
The drugs you didn’t order are here! Just use PayPal to send us large sums of money.
Also, with respect to the Argyle Heights blog, I notice you have posted at
http://argyleheights.blogspot.com/2007/06/media-adventure-sort-of.html that New
York City hurricane map which shows the flood waters stopping at Rugby and Glenwood.
Could you expand that to include Canada? Thanks.

Well this e-mail had nothing to do with books except that West Midwood did suffer a couple of fallen trees from Hurricane Irene and books ultimately are made from trees. Hopefully, the Category 3 storm that would sweep waters down Foster Avenue from Jamaica Bay all the way to Rugby Road will always remain only the hypothetical subject matter of Weather Channel disaster porn.

Subject: Blogs Are So Retro!
Just in case you didn’t get the memo, Blogs are dead, moron. If you can’t say it in a 140
character tweet, like forget about it and stuff.

Re: Blogs Are So Retro!
I was impressed by this e-mail because you took 140 bytes to insult me when you could
have used many, many more. Maybe you’re addicted to tweeting and can’t express thoughts that would take longer than 140 characters? If so, there is hope at www.un-tweet-my-addiction.com. I understand it’s a 140 step program though, so hang tough.

Re: Blogs Are So Retro!
Eat death and die!

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